Having fun just reading the headlines


Gary Abernathy - Contributing columnist



When it comes to reading newspapers, whether in print or online, a lot of people just scan the headlines, stopping only to read the occasional story.

This can be misleading. Nevertheless, on Monday I decided to do an online search for all the headlines that were out there, without reading the actual stories. I just wanted to draw my own conclusions based on headlines, like a lot of other newspaper readers.

CNN: “The more opioids doctors prescribe, the more money they make.” You can’t put anything past CNN.

Chicago Tribune: “Early colon cancer screening advised for some.” We don’t care about everybody, just some.

Washington Post: “Doctors find air pocket where part of man’s brain should be.” This is why I don’t get head X-rays.

The Mercury News: “It’s not too late to save your heart in midlife.” After that, too late.

CNN: “World Health Organization gets ready for ‘Disease X.’” Wake me up for diseases Y and Z.

CBC: “This flu has already caused 18 deaths and 31 outbreaks, and the season is not over yet.” Fortunately, I don’t pay attention to the season, I just wait for the playoffs.

UK Express: “Latest tests on ‘alien mummies’ found in Peru say they are ‘NOT human.’” This is news? If they thought they were human, they wouldn’t have called them alien mummies.

BGR Media: “Elon Musk to first Mars travelers: Good chance you’ll die.” With marketing like that, how is he not selling more Teslas?

Newsweek: “No, a massive Geomagnetic Storm will not hit earth on March 18.” Now I’m really mad that I let Adam West talk me into buying that Bat-Geomagnetic Storm Repellant.

The Week UK: “NASA unveils asteroid-busting Hammer probe.” Not available in stores.

CNET: “Why China’s crashing space station could land almost anywhere.” Uh, because it’s crashing?

Forbes: “NASA’s Juno Jupiter probe exceeds expectations.” Should make it a higher draft pick.

NBC News: “’Star Trek’ hero wants you to join humanity’s first mission to the sun.” Yeah, but why isn’t HE going?

PC Magazine: “New Alexa feature makes follow-up commands easier.” All you have to do is yell louder.

Android: “YouTube TV ready to offer more channels at a higher price.” Is Android a subsidiary of CNN?

BGR Media: “Undetected for 6 years, sophisticated malware can spy on PCs through your router.” Darn. I thought I’d be OK when I deleted my browser history last month.

Jalopnik: “Buick is taking its own name off its cars next year.” Must have signed up for the Elon Musk marketing seminar.

The Verge: “Apple Watch wristband sensor claims to detect potassium in your blood – without needles.” Good. That wristband with the needles was really irritating my skin.

Fortune: “It’s up to white men to improve tech’s diversity, says Uber exec Bozoma Saint John.” Seems like a step backward, but oh well.

Gizmodo: “Judge says users can sue Yahoo for massive breach.” Who wants to win a massive breach?

Wall Street Journal: “Stormy Daniels offers to repay $130,000 to Trump.” She really, really likes Trump.

ESPN: ‘Tiger Woods increases interest in golf over weekend.” It’s about time he started to care again.

The Times-Gazette: “Highland County Recorder switching to new doc management system.” Good luck Chad, managing doctors is like herding cats.

Reach Gary Abernathy at 937-393-3456 or follow on Twitter @AbernathyGary.

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Gary Abernathy

Contributing columnist