Bringing home bacon (not lottery)

0

Brenda and I aren’t gamblers by nature. She once won at bingo, but panicked and began snapping her fingers instead of yelling, “Bingo!” and almost lost her prize.

We are not much better with the lottery. I have never won the lottery, of course, but I thought I did one time.

Brenda and I were at a party and our friends, who will remain unidentified, passed out lottery tickets. We were talking and having a good time when Brenda suggested I scratch one off.

“Brenda, I think I just won 15 thousand dollars,” I whispered. “Look. See if they match.”

“They do!” Brenda responded excitedly.

I went over to the hosts and told them I had just won the lottery. They smiled, but I could see something in their faces that didn’t seem right.

I looked at the tickets again. They were counterfeit! The hosts had played a trick on us. Slowly it sunk in that I had been a sucker for a funny joke.

You can’t win if you don’t play, the advertising for the Powerball and Mega Millions always says.

I want to win, so when the prize is over 200 million dollars, I buy a ticket. I have never won, not even a scratch-off, but buying gives me an opportunity to dream and dream is what I did this week.

Like many dreams, it was very detailed, seemed real and a bit ridiculous.

I was sitting in the garage watching the rain when my cell phone went off. For some reason, I received a text from the Lottery Commission telling me I had the winning numbers.

“We are proud to inform you that you are the winner of 800 million dollars. You have ninety days to claim your prize. Don’t delay,” the text read.

I called my wife and son and swore them to secrecy. I told them I did not want to go on television and be handed a giant check.

Immediately, as the dream became more preposterous, we found ourselves on the lottery television show doing exactly what I said I didn’t want to do.

“How do you feel right now, and what are you going to do with all of this money?” the perky hostess asked.

“Well, I don’t know. I’ll probably give some money to my church and some to our favorite charities,” I mumble as my beaming wife runs to me and gives me a big hug and kiss, and then everyone breaks into tears.

“Aren’t they great?” the perky host rejoins, secretly wondering to herself if it is really worth dealing with these pitiful yahoos, just to be on TV?

I was standing with Brenda, and who knows why, but I was dressed like a WWF wrestler complete with tuxedo and tails.

The outfit might have something to do with the fact I had just read an article about the passing of WWF’s Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Heenan was a wrestling commentator, and once said, “Their kissing reminded me of two carp going for the same piece of corn,” after watching “Hillbilly Jim” and his wife, kiss.

“Did you pass gas?” Heenan once asked a grinning Mr. Fuji who adamantly denied and said “Ah, so. Ah, no” – on live TV.

The dream moved on. Standing next to me were two attractive young ladies, one on each arm. The perky hostess handed me the oversized check and asked the names of the young women.

“Faith and Heather,” I replied.

“What do the two young ladies do for you?” asked the hostess.

“Well, Heather brushes my teeth, and Faith is a life advisor,” I replied.

“I see,” said the hostess, beginning to feel uncomfortable.

“Heather, will you promise me to tell me if I begin to let this money change me?”

“I certainly will, Mr. Haley,” Heather responds while stifling a giggle.

The girls walk off stage and the hostess again asks me what I am going to do with all of this money.

“We are going to do some serious traveling,” I respond. “I am taking my wife to Pikeville, Kentucky.”

Brenda was born in Pikeville, and I can sense she is getting annoyed. “I heard you say something about a Heather. Who is Heather?” Brenda asks.

“Never mind. She is just someone I used to know,” I replied.

“Pat, wake up! You’ll be late for work! … Why are you laughing?” Brenda asks.

I don’t know,” I answered, as I closed the garage door and headed off to work to bring home the bacon.

Pat Haley is a Clinton County Commissioner.

http://www.wnewsj.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/22/2017/09/web1_Pat-Haley-2.jpg

Pat Haley

Contributing columnist

No posts to display