You just can’t make this stuff up

Mike Daugherty - Contributing columnist

People tell me all the time that they think I should write a book about things that happen in court.

When I started this job six years ago, I started writing down some of the funny things in a little notebook. I still do, and I read some of them at our Christmas party every year. I thought you might enjoy hearing some of the stories from years past.

Once a probationer tried to take his drug test using an artificial appliance that was shaped like a body part. Not only did he get caught, but his urine sample was positive for drugs. He admitted that he filled it with his own urine two hours before testing.

Another person on probation tested positive for alcohol. He explained that he bought a new truck and he had to “christen it,” so he drank a beer with it.

That same week, we had a community service crew cleaning up a county road. Less than an hour after starting, one of the workers lay down under a bush and went to sleep. We learned that he drank a whole bottle of vodka for breakfast, and it took a little time to ease into his blood stream.

He got a free trip to the hospital, and later a free trip to the jail.

One day had two different domestic violence cases from two different couples. One wife threw a head of cabbage at her husband because he wouldn’t get out of bed. The other wife threw a snow globe at her husband because she thought he had been cheating on her.

About six months later, the lady who threw the snow globe was charged with domestic violence again, for throwing another snow globe at the same man.

As part of her sentence, she is no longer allowed to have snow globes in her home.

We once had a domestic violence case involving a couple who was arguing because the husband thought the wife was wasting food. He threw a burrito at her and hit her in the eye.

A young man once asked in court if he could do community service to pay off his fines and costs. I told him that he could. As he was leaving, I overheard him asking his lawyer about “banking” some of those service hours for more illegal stuff he might do later.

Once a man came to court and said, “My wife got run over by a car, my dad got cancer, and so I had too much to drink.” I couldn’t help thinking he sounded like a country and western song.

Mike Daugherty is Judge of the Clinton County Municipal Court.

Mike Daugherty

Contributing columnist