I blame the microwave, the contraption that changed our way of life. Suddenly we were whisked off to “Hurry Hurry-Land.”
Dinner, a moment in our day where we, or someone we love, usually took the time to prepare a warm, delicious, family-gathering meal. Now I often find myself standing at this television-esque looking contraption that zaps frozen molecules into such a frenzy; upset that what I’m warming up, usually leftover pasta of some sort, now needs to be put back into the heating computer, and set for another full minute! Goodness, my dinner is taking two full minutes to prepare! What an inconvenience.
I have to move onto other things, which means I must devour this reheated meal fit for a king, and often times from a restaurant with “King” in the name, in just about the same amount of time it took to prep, so that I can move along to…whatever it is I must get to. Full disclosure moment…I think I reheated it for two minutes, not too sure, I never took the time to properly learn how to set the cooking timer thingy, so I just repeatedly push the “1” button, and that does my deed for me. The unfortunate side effect with this heating reset, it comes out of the microwave so piping hot that now I must wait for it to cool, so I don’t singe the roof of my mouth like I did with yesterday’s speedy supper.
I spilled red sauce on my best work shirt because the all-too prompt pasta I was incorrectly reheating was burning the roof of my mouth, so I need to wash this shirt immediately. Lucky for all of us involved my washing machine has a “Quick Wash” option.
Traffic! There’s a car in front of me in a 35 mile per hour zone, and they’re only going 40 miles per hour. What is wrong with these people? Why don’t they install a speed lane in this development? Doesn’t this nun know I have to get to my house to open my freezer where my “Meal in a Minute” waits? And by the way, that’s a little misleading because it takes my microwave nearly three minutes to do its magic, otherwise those pockets aren’t really going to get all that hot.
The drive-thru! There’s an invention, thank goodness I no longer have to park the car, get out, walk inside the restaurant to get my meal and a toy that makes me happy, and walk back to my car. I mean come on, what’s with all that exercising? I got sweaty just typing all that. Oh look, they’ve added a third lane now, so I can get my Eggs McDribbles with Lard-tots and a large Triple Flippity Flop roughly 20 seconds faster than when they only used two lanes. Phew. Who says miracles don’t happen every day? Lots of people.
There are even drive through funeral homes now! I wrote a sketch about that years ago, because I never thought…but here’s a snippet:
SPEAKER: “Welcome to Jones and Dow Funeral Home, who can I get for you?”
ME: “I’d like to take a look at the late Mildred Weatherbee please.”
SPEAKER: “Would you like to see Mr. Proctor too? He looks very good today.”
ME: “No thanks, just my Grandma please.”
SPEAKER: “Fine. Please pull forward.”
I’d continue this sketch, but I just have so many other things I need to get to.
I couldn’t be happier that I can grab my groceries and take them to a soulless express lane machine and scan them now with little assistance or supervision, unless of course I’m trying to purchase my special over-the-counter pills that make me sleepy. I wouldn’t want to wait in a grocery store line where an actual person scans my groceries. First, you’ve got all that small talk, then you have a complete stranger seeing what you eat, and now knowing what medications you sometimes need to rub, swallow, or insert. (A little personal tidbit here… Did you know I average four hours of sleep a night? I’m not bragging, I’ve just got other things I need to get to. You didn’t know? Oh, you didn’t care.)
Our life used to be an LP album playing on a 33 rpm record player, but once the microwave was discovered, the records and 8-track players took a hike, and we moved onto cassettes, with a fast-forward button so you can just get to that next song, because you can’t wait around.
A pitch clock for baseball? They’re trying to speed up America’s favorite pasttime? Okay, that was a great idea, I’ll give you that one. Emergency rooms?! Healthcare in less than seven hours? Are you kidding me? Okay, another great idea.
Next thing you know they’ll be creating greeting cards with everything on the front, because you don’t want to spend all that time opening an entire piece of cardstock, there’s just too much else to get to.
Thank goodness for speed dialing? Can I get an Amen on that? No? Fine, we’re moving on…
There’s a solar eclipse coming up. I can’t wait, but thank goodness it’ll only take about three minutes, because we have other things to do. Maybe we’ll hit a drive-through along our way.
Steve Burnette is an occasional contributor to the paper when space is needed to fill. He also serves as the executive director of the historic Murphy Theatre in downtown Wilmington, Ohio, and serves on the Board of Directors of the Ohio Arts Professionals Network.
